I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
