no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
How's work?
Spinning.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
