I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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