his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I wish you could order shots online.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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