Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Also, beer. Big fan.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
