I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
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