you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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