I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
