The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
