Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
