I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
