I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
