my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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