Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
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