My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
