Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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