I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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