My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Randomize