it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
