my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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