I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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