he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
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