I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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