either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Randomize
