I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Randomize
