Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
