You just made me feel so damn special
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Randomize
