I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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