Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
