Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
Randomize
