I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Randomize