Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
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