Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Randomize
