either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Randomize
