I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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