fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
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