a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
