Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
