I hate your face
2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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