Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
