I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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