Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
did you just send me my own nude
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