Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
so let's talk penis.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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