My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
