We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
then he tried to convert me to islam
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Randomize
