No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
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