i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
