Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
It was a blind-side dick pic.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
