Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
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