Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
