a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
