The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Never go drinking with anime club. End of story.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
