I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
