What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
