I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
