That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
