I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
