The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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