I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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