they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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