***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
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