I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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