i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
