I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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