We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Randomize
