I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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